I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
