If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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