I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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