the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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