well I can't set my house on fire every night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Every concussion has its silver lining
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
