we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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