apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
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Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
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Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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