my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
