He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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