I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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