After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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