forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
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Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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