so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
