They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
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After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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