Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
