using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
false alarm, still single
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
