well I can't set my house on fire every night
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
