you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
