He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
