So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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