I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
