Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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