you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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