The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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