My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I am available for nakedness
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