guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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