i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
