i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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