cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
