I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
