Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
