I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
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I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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