____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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