i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
