So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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