I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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