We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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