i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
