i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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