So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
