oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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