well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
