You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
