Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
