I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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