I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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