Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
