dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
