I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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