you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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