Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
