oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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