you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
