ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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