Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
