Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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